Ready to unleash attack dogs - Botham, Clarkson & Co demand scrapping of laws that protect countryside

Sharp teeth and ready to attack - German Shepherd

The following open letter - signed by sporting and showbiz celebrities - has this week been sent to 10 Downing Street.  

Dear Current Prime Minister, 

For years the bureaucratic bulldozer has been trampling over the countryside infuriating millions of us. It has cost jobs and created misery. Downing Street has to put it into reverse gear if it wants the support of rural voters. Those signing this letter would be satisfied if the rules affecting the countryside are halved before the next election.  

We are happy with Government giving us big targets - ones that ensure that the streams in our valleys are crystal clear and our uplands carpeted with heather. If you want more food in the shops, we will do it. More hedges - consider it done. More buzzards? Great - we will lean on anyone in our community who takes them out.   

But we are sick of the mountains of regulations which seek to micromanage every acre. We have had enough of know-nothing officials imposing rules out of a misplaced belief in their own competence.

They breed paperwork for a living while the rest of us have real work to do: cultivating soil, looking after sick animals and bringing in the harvest.   

You realise that the political landscape is shifting. Rural votes will be vital in the next election - and so Downing Street has to deliver. The era of central planning of the countryside by homo arrogantissimus in Whitehall is over. We will no longer passively watch officials seeking to appease the insatiable demands of a few self-righteous campaigners. There are more of us and we are more determined.   

This letter is being copied to our constituency MPs who will want to demonstrate that Government is changing direction. If anyone tries to ignore us, we will pursue them like hungry German Shepherds let off-leash during lambing season.

Yours sincerely,

Jeremy Clarkson
Ian Botham
Jamie Blackett
Gareth Wyn Jones
Allan Lamb
David Gower
Feargal Sharkey
Alex Story
Nick Ferrari

The Wryneck says: What a deeply unpleasant letter! Regulations have a purpose - often to protect the environment from individuals who would be prepared to degrade it in pursuit of their own selfish interests.  The signatories to this missive are seeking to use their celebrity 'importance' to menace the Government into doing their bidding. In both tone and content, their message smacks of bullying, blackmail and cruelty. Significantly, no woman has signed it.